not feeling too hot about myself






at all
have a big anxious knot in stomach as if i'm forgetting something
this has been happening to me increasingly during the past month
i just feel a lack of center


very disjointed from my roots,
comprised of my family

nancy just left and i had to make a really big effort not to sleep all day and be crabby


maybe if i write write write things will sort themselves a bit

cursory |ˈkərsərē|
adjective
hasty and therefore not thorough or detailed : a cursory glance at the figures. See note at superficial .

a nascar driver who never got to drive his kid to school
having a piece of your idol's dna; cloning it because you want michael jackson to be your child

i'm going to allot more time for self reflection, as i haven't done this for a long time

goals

to read:
zis
the lobster book
and the once and future king

my clothing smells like DIRTY FACK
WHY BONFIRE WHY
i don't like washing prendas after i've worn them one time :(

been smoking far too many cigarettes
oops
i lost track of how many i had today but it's a lot
SIGH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no moar.

also, been up since thursday at 2pm. kid you not! this is a new record for me. why i are not tired?

one thing i've noticed about college: when they're drunk, people like confessing awkward things that would otherwise go unsaid, often how cool you thought the person you were was when you first saw them and now that you're talking to them you just have to tell them how cool you think they are

mostly girls
but sometimes guys

perhaps this is why there is more honesty in college, and it has nothing at all to do with maturity. because i suspect that maturity is a myth

(I'M THE BOSS THAT ONLY TAKES ONE CALL ADSFLH LALALA stuck in my head
also, ready or not the fugees vershun)

mah pants smell like booze and cigarette...

to accomplish over the summer:
- save enough money for a dutch bicycle
- learn portuguese
- write scholarship essays
- figure out what to do in colombia
- READ READ READ from reading list
- look into internships
- make list of desired activities
- purchase things to make room livable
- purchase tank for cassiopeia
- find additional employment- babysitting? ya?
- plan camping trip

i don't think i'll ever get sick of giving myself orgasms
yes all my entries from now on are going to be about orgasms
why didn't i discover this before
my life would have been a lot better

best therapy for a stress breakdown about micro/french/eating three taquitos from 7-11:
- cry
- call mom
- masturbate and think of you

LOL ALL ITEMS ON THIS LIST BEING COMPLETELY UNRELATED AND THERAPEUTIC IN DIFFERENT PROPORTIONS/MANNERS

all nighter here i come :/ :( :) (that last smiley was my attempt a positive outlook)

In French, an orgasm can be called "la petite mort." I've heard death described as a long, dark tunnel at the end of which you can see the light. I've heard of death described as a brink off which to be jumped. I'd rather, though, do as the french do and look at it as a really, really big orgasm. I mean, if la petite mort is good, what must la grande mort (or even just la regular mort) be?

This isn't to say that I am feeling suicidal or even desirous of death. Thinking of it this way is just a lot more pleasant than many alternatives others have offered. It makes sense- life is full of stress and challenges and insecurity and, well, tension. Death must bring some sort of comfort in the release of it all.

today i gave myself an orgasm using just my fingers and some sexual frustration.

well, i have recently been improving my posture. i looked in the mirror as i was walking out of the bathroom and realized that...

I HAVE A HUGE BUTT.
HUGE.

i don't think i particularly mind this, though i am stunned by its epic proportions.

a;lkkshhhhhhhhhhhdsas g

in other news i am becoming increasingly incoherent on the internet and, i think, in real life.

last night lisa and i drank a bottle of champagne together

i am determined to go to colombia this summer. however, i need to think of something productive to do there. oh and i should start saving my money.

my dad left me a voicemail in spanish and he's been really nice to me. i think he misses me, which makes me feel happy but mostly weird because now i actually have the potential to be a disappointment

i still need to find "my center"- now i'm not with michael but i don't know what's right, what's wrong, what i like... i just feel like i'm... well, like being with him was holding me back from pursuing interests i would have gravitated toward had i not been with him, but i still don't feel gravitated. though i suspect these things take time and solitude. i haven't been very solitary because of spending so much time with lisa and diana. mental note: stop being so dependent upon other people because it's simply a result of fear for being at ease with/alone with yourself.

i have nothing interesting to say or offer. i've become very self conscious and unsure of who i am. i am very, very different from the way i was last year. i feel like i have made progress or i may be somehow advancing to progress but currently i just feel lost. very, very lost. i feel like there are a million answers that would each lead me toward being a certain way, but i don't want to pick any of them for fear of that not being the right one. OKAY I KNOWWWW there is no right way but there must be one way that would make me happier than the others. that would be a better choice than the others.

sigh. apologies for the gibberish. my brain is also dumb as of late. it doesn't even think in the somewhat sensical prose it used to. now i sound like babbling pigeon. or dobby.